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BREAKING: Indiana Nightclub Taken Under Siege By J.R Smith (Satire)

A satirical take on JR Smith’s Saturday night

jr-smith-clubbing

After coming off an emotional roller-coaster of sorts in Boston a couple of nights ago, J.R Smith needed to combat his offensive ineptness. On Saturday night, according to Smith’s publicist, he was “smoking a blunt heavier than a full bag of Halloween candy collected in a pillow case from trick-or-treating,” and “looked atop his head and noticed an imaginary light bulb flickering on and off,” while sitting in his Maserati Coupe. “The weed he had smoked in the car that night really made him paranoid,” said Smith’s publicist, who didn’t want to be identified. “All of a sudden, I was at a loss for words; he was singing ‘Say You, Say Me’  by Lionel Richie while high. And I must say, what a (expletive) night.”

But that wasn’t J.R’s only method of calming himself down. The Knicks, on their team bus, headed to Indiana to face the Pacers. Once they got to the hotel they were staying at—with every member of the team asleep besides him— J.R ran out of his hotel room and stole the team bus to go on a joyride, en route to the nearest local nightclub in town. More

Game 5: Celtics 92 Knicks 86

Yeah, so about that funeral…

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The Celtics don’t want to die. They really don’t. So much for that Knicks funeral that was supposed to happen; it was one, colossal near-death experience for the Celtics. The Knicks totally wasted their time for dressing up in black suits. Celtic fans are going to be hitting us Knick fans back with some kind of black suit/funeral joke variant. But those jokes are all irrelevant for the time being. It’s funny that Celtic fans think that the Knicks are oscillating the white flag in the air already. While this is an infuriating loss, that is obviously not the case.

The Knicks scored the first 11 points of the game. It may have taken light years for the Celtics to strike back, considering their crappy offense. The Celtics scored their first basket on a Brandon Bass free throw with 7:32 remaining in the first quarter. Despite the big hole the Knicks dug the Celtics in, they got outscored 45-28 in the first half after the run. Jeff Green and Jason Terry were hitting threes down the stretch, Kevin Garnett went grizzled, clutch veteran in the 4th quarter and on the glass, and the good ole Celtics trash talk made the Knicks lose their composure and dopamine in their cerebral cortexs. More

Game 4: Celtics 97 Knicks 90

“Those damn Celtics”

 Shump

Oh well. I couldn’t whip out my limited edition autographed Wicked Witch of The West broom to celebrate a Knicks sweep on the arch rival Celtics. Everyone that watched this game had their beats per minute go through the roof in the last two minutes of the fourth quarter and in overtime. Even if you took a whole bottle of Lipitor (I advise you not to do that), it still couldn’t have controlled the high blood pressure. The Knicks offense played like the Celtics offense from the last three games in the first half; one colossal hot, steamy turd was dropped on them from the rafters. Somehow, they were only down by 5 at the end of the first quarter. The game was very 90s-esque; sloppy, sluggish basketball was played and it was really documented in the first half, as the Knicks shot 29% from the field, along with an abysmal 20% from downtown, as well as committing 12 turnovers, more than their average 11.8 a game from this season. The Knicks didn’t gain the lead until Raymond Felton hit a jumper with 1:17 left in the fourth quarter, which explained the struggle within the Knicks: Gaining the lead. The reoccurring comeback gene that happened several times in the regular season was happening in the playoffs. The Knicks had a chance to capitalize in the final minute of the fourth quarter after Tyson tipped out™ an offensive rebound, which resulted in a Melo pull up three, in what was their final possession before Paul Pierce took the final shot that everyone thought was going to be drained because its Paul freakin’ Pierce, and missed, en route to overtime. More

Knicks Sign Earl Barron

Earl Barron Jason Kidd orange boarder

EARL BARRON IS BACK. Following Rasheed Wallace’s retirement from earlier today (he’ll find a rec league), Earl Barron is back with the Knicks after a three year period of being in exile from New York. Yes, the same guy that Knick fans thought was going to be the team’s starting center during the 2010-11 season. Barron will be eligible for the upcoming playoffs this Saturday against the Celtics. What a weird turn of events the last couple of days; first, King Solomon Jones was waived a couple of days ago, resulting in the signing Quentin Richardson to fill in that roster spot yesterday, then today with Earl Barron filling in Sheed’s vacant spot. Some things about Earl:

  • No, Ronny Turiaf isn’t replacing him. 
  • Who knows what we’ll get in him? Knick fans said the same with Kenyon Martin, but hopefully Barron can do something like this in limited significant minutes. That was Barron’s breakout game, in which everyone thought he was going to become a superstar, because, you know, he was essentially the only hope.
  • Barron is happy to be back in New York, apparently, and it makes a lot of sense.
  • He also has a championship ring. So, you know what that means…PLAYOFF EXPERIENCE (pfffft)!

Lots of people jokingly said Earl may come back to New York, but those jokes turned into facts. Welcome back, Earl! Two Earls is better than one!

Ex-Knicks of The Week

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Taylor Armosino (@tarmosino): Earlier this week, Knick legend Bernard King was finally elected to the Pro Basketball Hall of Fame. King won’t be the only former Knick inducted to the hall this year, as ex-coach Rick Pitino and shooting guard Richie Guerin also made the cut. Props to all three, but I’m going to talk about King this week.

Often compared to modern day Knick star Carmelo Anthony, Bernard King was one of the great scorers of his day. Though I’m not old enough to have seen him play, you need just to look at the stats to see how good he was. For his career, King averaged 24.1 points per 36 minutes. His career true shooting percentage was .561, exactly what Anthony’s is this season. The fact that King didn’t shoot threes makes his accomplishments even more impressive. He was scoring efficiently operating in the post and in the mid-range area, the two most inefficient spots on the floor. At the height of King’s scoring prowess, the 1983 and 1984 seasons with the Knicks, he posted player efficiency ratings of 22.7 and 25.2 and true shooting percentages of .619 and .585. He truly was a dominant scorer. More

Recap: Knicks 120 Wizards 99: Atlantic Division Champions!

Spike

They did it! For the first time since 1993-94, the year in which Jason Kidd was a sophomore at the University of California, Carmelo Anthony was 10 years old, Iman Shumpert was 4 and I wasn’t born yet, the Knicks have won the Atlantic Division.  Now we can all laugh in unison at the ESPN writers, who all picked the Celtics, Nets or Sixers to win the division, knowing that we surmounted the arch rival Celtics (see ya in the playoffs) and the preseason media hype glutton Nets. The Knicks made sure their division clinching game was going to be a blowout, as they rained threes down on the Wizards en route to a 120-99 victory. They have now won 13 in a row. Here are a few notes: More

EPIC RECAP: Knicks 101 Bucks 83

melo marquis

What. A. Night. The title says it all. Please excuse me you will. Tonight, the best Friday Night Knicks game of all-time occurred, bar none. It’s not even a question. A bajillion years from now, you won’t be able to come up with a better Friday night game like this. To be honest, who the hell was thinking of Robert Randolph during the game? Probably lots of people during and after the first half of play, but no one gave two shits about Robert Randolph after the second half. People were probably throwing darts through an image of him. What happened tonight was absolutely mesmerizing. The Knicks went from a more than atrocious first half to the best second half of the season, containing the best third quarter of the season, which is not even a question. The Knicks only scored 36 points in the first half, shooting 34% from the field, 1-12 from the perimeter and coughed the ball up 8 times, while J.J Redick bombarded them with threes early on. It would of been miraculous if the Knicks made a shot with ease in the second quarter. The Knicks needed some kind of motivational booster or strategy adjustments going into the locker room. “Fuck Robert Randolph” tweets were all over the place, per usual. But after the awe-inspiring 1972-73 championship team ceremony (I’ll talk about that more later), the Knicks annihilated the Bucks in the second half six ways to Sunday, the seventh way being Carmelo Anthony, and, if you want to include an eighth (Beatles homage), J.R Smith. In the third quarter, the Knicks scored 42 points, 6 more points than they scored in the first half, went on a 25-2 run at one point, and the granddaddy of them all (no pun intended), Jason Kidd’s buck-naked-inducing (no pun intended there either) 59 foot buzzer-beater from beyond half court. Somehow, the Bucks did come within a six point deficit in the fourth quarter, but that was sealed by one of the few Carmelo Anthony heat checks that happened tonight. Here are some notes: More

Analyzing Kenyon Martin’s Recent Production

Kenyon Martin

Look, I know that Kenyon Martin has only played 13 games with the Knicks, but recently, he has been a valuable piece to the Knicks bench. It wasn’t fair to adjudge the way K-Mart played during his first 10 day tenure because he got little to no playing time. He only played one game during his first 10 day deal, and was on the floor for just under 5 minutes, the game being Stephen Curry’s 54 point explosion at MSG.  The second 10 day deal was pretty much the same, except, he actually got playing time, but again, in only one game. K-Mart made his legitimate Knicks debut against the Thunder and pulled a Bill Walker by fouling out in 17 minutes of run, four of those fouls being in a very short span. But at the same time, if it wasn’t for him defending Kevin Durant, defending as in bear hugging him or smacking the crap out of him, the Knicks wouldn’t have been in that game. Then, K-Mart was signed for the remainder of the season, and as of now, it has turned out to be a great move. More

Recap: Knicks 100 Celtics 85

j.r rotem

Tonight, the Celtics were shorthanded without Kevin Garnett due to an ankle injury that will set him back for two weeks (thank god). Even though KG wasn’t on the floor to antagonize Carmelo Anthony, the Knicks still got it done against the Jordan Crawford-led Celtics, if you will, also without Tyson Chandler. At the beginning of the second quarter and from there on out, the Knicks held onto the lead. The Celtics did go on a mini 5-0 run by scoring the first two baskets of the second half, after the Knicks ended the first half with a 19-4 run, leading me to thinking that the Celtics were eventually going to take the lead and create their own run. Thankfully, that was not the case and Avery Bradley was left in disbelief post game. Here are the most important notes: More

Ex-Knick of The Week

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The picture above looks like it’s just an ordinary old ticket stub from a basketball game, right? You may all be thinking that right now in your cerebral cortex, but guess what? You’re totally missing the most significant thing about that game. More