May 5 2013
A satirical take on JR Smith’s Saturday night
After coming off an emotional roller-coaster of sorts in Boston a couple of nights ago, J.R Smith needed to combat his offensive ineptness. On Saturday night, according to Smith’s publicist, he was “smoking a blunt heavier than a full bag of Halloween candy collected in a pillow case from trick-or-treating,” and “looked atop his head and noticed an imaginary light bulb flickering on and off,” while sitting in his Maserati Coupe. “The weed he had smoked in the car that night really made him paranoid,” said Smith’s publicist, who didn’t want to be identified. “All of a sudden, I was at a loss for words; he was singing ‘Say You, Say Me’ by Lionel Richie while high. And I must say, what a (expletive) night.”
But that wasn’t J.R’s only method of calming himself down. The Knicks, on their team bus, headed to Indiana to face the Pacers. Once they got to the hotel they were staying at—with every member of the team asleep besides him— J.R ran out of his hotel room and stole the team bus to go on a joyride, en route to the nearest local nightclub in town.
While joyriding, Smith said he “hit the jackpot” because he had never seen a club so filled up before his eyes. According to eyewitnesses, Smith somehow entered the club without a bouncer checking him. Once he entered the club, he strolled over to the bar table, where he swept everything that was on it off of the table. One eyewitness recalls the sweeping of the table with his arm. “He was so damn smooth,” said the eyewitness, who also didn’t want to be identified. “The table was squeaky clean as if a waiter at a lavish restaurant scrubbed it up.” The eyewitness went on. “He then jumped and stood on the table like a madman. No one was able to stop him. It was no holds barred.”
Another eyewitness recalled that Smith said “YOUR NIGHTLIFE IS UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!” mocking a tweet made by Jay-Z when the Nets beat the Knicks in the inaugural Knicks-Brooklyn Nets battle.
Before any of the club attendants were able to get quality videos and photos, Smith found the wireless router and smashed it with a Captain Morgan bottle, while his posse was demanding all of the club patrons to give their phones to them at the same time.
But get this: Pacer, Paul George, is a frequent visitor to the club. He voiced his anger about the incident during the Pacers practice media session. “Why would anyone do such a thing?” said George. “It’s simply asinine.”
Not surprisingly, J.R struck back. “Indiana is going to be turned into a cornfield,” said Smith. “Wait, isn’t it one already?”
Reggie Miller commented on the situation as well. “This isn’t good” said Miller. That’s all we got from him, which isn’t a huge surprise. That quote sums up his commentating career.
The bad blood keeps on getting worse. The hack-fest series of a lifetime is coming to a theater near you.
Follow James on Twitter @j_griff