What Would Ryan Lochte Do? “Pilot”

Ryan Lochte did some stuff on TV yesterday and you might have tragically missed it. Here’s the recap!

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We’ve decided to give the Knicks a break here at the Meloship and provide some essential writing on the wonderful national treasure that is Ryan Lochte. So begins a weekly thing, for better or worse, where I will write recaps of episodes of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” in an attempt to make Mondays a little less terrible. Or more terrible. We’ll see. Jeah, this should be interesting.

We begin the inaugural episode of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (WWRLD) with our hero and a large group of people called the “Lochterage” (Spectacular wordplay. We’re already off to a great start.) walking down the streets of Gainesville, Florida getting ready to play quite possibly the most intense game of flag football ever. Quickly, we are introduced to Lochte’s assistant/BFF Gene and his younger brother Devon. Devon, of course, is rocking a tuxedo shirt. Ryan, not to be out-bro’d, is wearing a tank-top that says “LochteNation” on it and keeps saying that over and over again to describe the group. The teams split into a shirts-vs-skins game, and shockingly, the real-life Aquaman quickly takes off his shirt. Some things to know about the game:

  • Lochte says he doesn’t know the rules to flag football, but logically decides to play quarterback anyway. I believe Jamarcus Russell was very similar.
  • By my count, he finished with one rushing touchdown and about five interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns, and zero butt-fumbles. I’m no scout, but his throwing mechanics were more sound than Tim Tebow’s. What I’m trying to say is that Lochte will be the next starting quarterback of the New York Jets.
  • Before the last play, Ryan bet Devon that he would score a touchdown, and if he didn’t Ryan would detail Devon’s car with a toothbrush. Needless to say, the game ended on a pick-six thrown by Ryan, because of course.

The group then moves to the Lochte residence, where they have enough pizza and beer to survive the apocalypse. After flirting with a self-proclaimed ballet dancer who couldn’t get onto her toes and do that painful looking walk ballet dancers do, he wasn’t every impressed and decide to go to a bar. Apparently, in Florida, you can just walk up behind the bar and start serving drinks to strangers if you’re Ryan Lochte. (Also: Lochte say “Let’s turn it UPPPPPPPPPP” like 17 times in the span of 10 seconds.)

The show has numerous cut-aways to Lochte sitting in a room with the producer asking him questions. After the bar scene, Lochte is asked if he considers himself to be a “player.” His answer? “Define ‘player’.” Then we meet Megan, whom he cordially invites to a sushi dinner-date by whispering “Let me tell you something” in her ear and getting her out of the bar to ask her out. All this, mind you, while he is one his third cup of what appears to be blue Gatorade. After the commercial break, the Lochte family goes bowling. We meet his two sisters and mother. Mama Lochte attempts to say “JEAH” multiple times but her attempts don’t meet the satisfactory “JEAH”-level that Lochte has set himself. His younger sister tells him to “Be the ball”, and after knocking down a grand total of three pins he replies “I am the ball. The pins are just my friends.” This was my reaction. The older sister, Kristin, asks him when she’s going to meet the girls he’s going on dates with. I’d wager and say probably never. Ryan explains to us that Kristin is always right and looking out for him, as well as smarter than he is. Basically, Kristin Lochte is the Dick Cheney to Ryan Lochte’s George W. Bush. Ryan and Megan go on their date. Turns out Megan doesn’t know what sushi is and is moving LA in a couple of weeks. Welp, looks like they’re not getting married.  As we go to commercial again, Lochte yells “What would Ryan Lochte do?” underwater and it’s actually pretty audible. This is why he’s an Olympian, folks.

Time for Family Movie Night! Kristin wants to watch Silence of the Lambs, but Ryan objects. This is when we learn that his favorite movie is What Women Want. And if you think about it, Lochte really is the Mel Gibson of swimming. Ok, maybe not. The sisters then chastise him after he admits to taking his dates to the same restaurant.

Kristin: “In a college town? Word gets around, Ryan.”

Ryan: “It might be the same place, it might be the same table, but it’s a different girl.” Deep, touching stuff.

We end with Lochte paying off his bet to Devon, cleaning his SUV’s rims with a toothbrush. But wait, there’s a twist! Turns out Ryan is using Devon’s toothbrush! Ryan is so pleased with himself he begins speaking in the third-person: “Ryan Lochte is an honest guy, and he’ll always pay his bets off. But he’ll do it in the Ryan Lochte way.” As the end credits roll, we see a preview for next weeks episode which is *easily* going to be the best 30 minutes in television history, as Ryan goes to Washington, D.C. and gets asked questions by a roundtable of women ranging from ObamaCare to carbon emissions. Those previews almost completely undermined a great first episode because now I can’t think about anything other than next week’s show. Some final thoughts:

  • There were a few great Lochte-in-a-room-with-the-producer moments. First, Lochte asks “Douchebag? What is a douchebag? What is the definition?” followed by a clip plays of him saying “I got $200,000 on my wrist.” and pointing to his watch. Then, he forgets what medals he won at the Olympics.
  • After promoting his clothing brand and “The Lochte Edge” he gets asked what “The Lochte Edge” is. Dumbfounded, he responds with “You know, I’ve never been asked that question before. And honestly, I have no idea.” Which is fair. Asking to define “The Lochte Edge” is like asking to define the word “the.” That shit is impossible. And let me tell you something: If you CAN define “The Lochte Edge”, you probably don’t have “The Lochte Edge.”
  • After a night of partying, Lochte and his friends, hungover, go through a Sly Stallone in Rocky IV training montage. But, instead of cutting logs in the Russian wilderness, they’re doing crunches and swimming laps in Florida.
  • So, seeing as the vast majority of this show is scripted, there has to be a way to get Lochte to say things that are still incredibly stupid but too smart for him to think of. Would everyone chip in say, 5 dollars, to get some of the writers to have him quote Kanye and say “I’m way too black to burn from sun rays” while doing crunches in the Florida sun? Would anything be better? Maybe if Lochte did Ye’s verse on Clique, citing his “clique” as “LochteNation.” The goal here is to get Lochte to quote Kanye as much as he can because if those two personalities could somehow mix, I could die happily.
  • Some quick lyric ideas on Lochte doing “Clique”: “Every time I’m in Gainesville they screaming like he’s Elvis/But I just wanna design shoes and nail it”
  • Favorite throwaway line from Lochte: “I always pee in the pool. You have too.” Damn right.
  • Throughout the show, he wears shirts that say “#LochteNation”, “Turn It Up” and “Listen To Ryan Lochte.” Ryan Lochte is the GOAT.
  • Here’s the definitive Ryan Lochte GIF.

And that wraps up the first of hopefully many WWRLD recaps. Was this a good idea?

HELL JEAH.