Feb 15 2013
Enter James William White IV. Yes, he deserves to have his full name read out loud because not only I said so, but if he was a part of J.R Smith’s family, he would hypothetically be the fourth Smith. I mean, when you really think of it, Flight could be a part of Earl’s family because J.R had that dunk gene (he still does) with my favorite dunk contest dunk ever. Sorry, Andre Iguodala, J.R did it A LOT better than you did, and that’s without bias. He did it on one try instead of missing on multiple attempts. Anyways, White is re-shipping himself down to Houston, but for the upcoming NBA dunk contest rather than signing 10 day contracts with the Rockets. You can make an argument that this is the biggest moment of his basketball career since the 2001 McDonald’s All-American dunk contest, in which he got absolutely robbed by David Lee (still love you, David), convincing me that the ghost of Arnold Rothstein fixed the contest itself immediately. Just by looking at these mesmerizing highlights, how can you not vote for something that’s so superior to the inferior? What a bunch of frauds. That being said, Flight is just going to have to get his revenge on Saturday against a couple of grizzled dunk contest veterans, those being Gerald Green and the defending champion, Jeremy Evans, as well as some newcomers that are notable for their ferocious jams, the newcomers being the freakishly athletic Kenneth Faried (MANIMAL SMASH), best backup point guard in the NBA, Eric Bledsoe, and young gun, Terrence Ross. As the title says: What exactly can James White do to win the dunk contest? Here’s how:
- First thing’s first: I bet Flight is still outraged by a high school dunk contest event that happened 12 years ago. It’ll always be cemented in his memory, unfortunately, and has had to cope with it for all this time. For motivational purposes, Flight has always carried a David Lee effigy as a motivational booster to light the fire inside him before any event. Whether it’s for preparing for a basketball game, or going to a friend’s house, Flight’s handmade memento was always by his side. The very special thing about this effigy is that Lee’s McDonald’s All-American jersey was somehow found, and is donned by the effigy. When push comes to shove, White’s hateful disdain for David Lee will by all means enrage him.
- Since Gerald Green is a thing in the NBA once again, which I love because his 2007 dunk contest win is my favorite dunk contest ever after reminiscing Dee Brown’s no-look dunk with the addition of jumping over Nate Robinson, and his birthday candle blowout back in the 2008 dunk contest makes me think of the “cupcake” known as Raymond Felton, Flight may have to watch out for the “springs” that are contained in his shoes. Don’t let him play around with your nickname, James. It is imperative for you to take advantage of your Knick name.
- Last year’s dunk contest was by far the lamest dunk contest in existence. From Chase Budinger readjusting his blindfold on the second Cedric Ceballos channeling attempt, to Derrick Williams jumping over a motorcycle, in which he was paying homage to The Kid aka Prince (I would die 4 u) from Purple Rain, it was probably the most gaffe filled dunk contest ever. Seriously, a single episode of “City Slam” can wash it away all the way to the west coast. Don’t overdose on props, but don’t be limited to props. Make it plain and simple. Let’s not get DeMar DeRozan furious about props again. Oh, and if Shumpy wasn’t ruled out of the last year’s crap gala, he would of definitely dunked over a couch surfing Jeremy Lin, enabling the judges to hoist up “50″ signs with a number 1 drawn on colossal sheets of computer paper, replacing the big fat 0. And, Jeremy Evans ended up replacing Shump, thus winning after dunking two basketballs as the dagger dunk. Beginner’s luck? Maybe. Whatever.
- Besides James White, Kenneth Faried is my second favorite player in this dunk contest. The Manimal and Brian Grant’s dreads, as well as Etan Thomas’ dreads are some of the most legendary dreads in NBA history. That being said, Kenneth Faried winning or coming in second would be awesome. Flight, don’t get to overexcited looking at his dreads.
- As awesome as Eric Bledsoe is, he’s really no match for White, unless he jumps over Blake Griffin and a car at the same time or something. Interestingly enough, White is the favorite to win the contest. But if Bledsoe wins, then he’s Baby Jordan 2.0, but only 4 inches shorter. However, his career won’t be derailed by knee injuries like Harold Miner’s, at least I hope not.
I’m going to echo back myself now; James William White IV is on his way to an NBA dunk contest title, well, according to random odds makers, I guess. I really have no idea who the favorite is. I hear White is the favorite, then Faried, reversing that, or Bleds—YOU KNOW WHAT? I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHO THE DAMN FAVORITE IS. TOMORROW’S DUNK CONTEST IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE OF THE ONE AND ONLY, JAMES WHITE. JUST WIN, OK, FLIGHT? YOU CAN DO IT! And since most of you are watching the Celebrity game as of this writing, just keep in mind that Trey Songz is George Hill’s doppelganger. And it’s not even close, like, heftier than a landslide victory. Anyone that has a better doppelganger for George Hill, tweet me and I’ll see if it’s good enough. Just reminding you that you’re not even going to be close.
Follow James on Twitter @j_griff
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